*

Deep in the intimacy of my soul, full of darkness, fears, and sorrows, there is a tiny light of hope, a very thin but strong string that suspends me in the infinite waves of my despair and doesn’t let me fall all the way down. It is this little force inside that helps me overcome the tumbling days of my history. It leads me to go forward one more day, to continue on the road; it makes me accept my mistakes, defeat my fears and convert my sorrows into calm. It turns me into a survivor.

When I was 12 years old, a huge fire reduced my house to ashes and almost got my sister, Janeth, my brother, Yorlly, and me. Under our bedroom, three big containers of kerosene threatened a huge explosion at any moment. My dad did not hesitate to rescue us and desperately climbed to the roof, shoeless, with the hose in his hands, but someone had turned off the water source, and my father’s feet were burned. He jumped from the roof and was relieved to find us alive. Bracing himself, he kicked down a barred door so we could make our way out. This was my first survivor experience.

At the age of 20, I made the mistake of going out with a boy behind my parents’ back, and then I got pregnant. I believe that there were a lot of signs of his violent behavior, but I didn’t see them or didn’t want to see them. I found myself in a strange, unbearable situation. I did not want to embarrass my father or cause suffering to my mother, so I decided to fix it in the most erroneous way: I married him. Having my lovely daughters was not the mistake; the mistake was choosing to live with the guy. After I made this decision, I found myself on a scrambled path of a life of severe abuse, mental, physical, and emotional. I lost count of the times I thought that day would be my last day. Between being the target of a gun, a knife, and a bare pair of hands choking and preventing me from screaming, I was filled with helplessness and terror. Having seen my self-esteem vanish into the mist, I really don’t know how I got out of these situations. Despite living with constant fear, I survived!

Nevertheless, I made a major mistake: In order to escape from this cross, I ran far away from him, losing my beloved daughters. Somehow, I thought the separation would just be temporary, but it has turned into 27 years now. For me, it feels like an eternity. I still don’t know how to handle it. How can anyone learn to survive with a black hole in her heart?

I crossed more than three countries’ borders and many roads in order to come here. Some borders were easy, some were frightening; I crossed some by plane, some by car, most of them by foot. I encountered mountains, rivers, and corrupt officers, even a band of assaulting robbers armed with rifles and machine guns, yet I survived!

I was homeless, 9/11 passed, a blackout passed, Hurricane Sandy, too. Someone set my apartment door on fire. My mother died, as did my father. I couldn’t even give them one last kiss.

Nowadays, I am learning to survive with cancer and, like the whole world, walking through this Covid-19 pandemic with patience and hope. I learned to forgive and to be forgiven, to forget the nonsense and to remember without pain. I learned to breathe deeply, to treasure happy memories, to smile, to live one day at a time, and to be grateful. But most important of all, I learned that God never abandoned me. He was the light! He was with me every moment, everywhere, and thanks to Him, I am still a survivor
*
*

Narcisa Paredes was born in 1968 in Ecuador. She studies at the Hunter College SPELL Program with her inspiring leader and mentor, Ruby Taylor MacBride. Narcisa Paredes’s writing appeared in LR18. She and her American-born daughter, Carolina, hope Maria Elisa and Sintia Katherine can join them.